How to Throw a Molotov Cocktail

It was a day like any other, just hanging around town, bored.

Thats when I decided that I would try to collect one of every video game system ever made.

I head down to Gamestop (or Funcoland as it was called in those times) and lo and behold, what I came across was actually a bed and breakfast. I ask the guy behind the desk where I could find some used games, and I’m in luck, turns out he has an old NES in his basement that I can have, I just have to go down and get it myself.

So I head down into his basement, and after navigating the maze like clutter come across the NES, which was enshrined in the deepest level of the basement. After defeating the possessed suit of armor that was protecting the NES, I was warped back to the lobby, where the guy told me that there was an old game system store in the city to the north.

After traversing a long highway, I came to Sheff City just as the night was beginning. A bustling metropolis built on a wooden dock hanging over the side of a cliff.

I was hungry at this point, so I went to the local deli, only to find Bill Gates’ little sister (who became president of MS after Bill had a seizure from watching Pokemon) harassing the clerk about her sandwich.

I intervened, and after Ms. Gates offered me an overpriced XBox (I decided to wait for a price drop) and then swore revenge and disappeared in a typical RPG like fashion. I take my sandwich and head down to Nintendo World to see what Nintendo systems I can pick up. Turns out the place was closed because it was being renovated into a Pokemon specialty store. Damn.

Next stop was the Sony Metreon, which actually turned out to be a satanic temple at which brainwashed cultists worshiped a giant PS2. Talking to the demonic priest, he agreed to give me a free PS2 if I joined. I agreed, and after giving me the PS2, I renounced my membership, and ran out with said system in tow before he could ask for it back.

With two systems now in my collection, i went next door to the Sega world headquarters, which was a gigantic skyscraper. I went in hoping that they would have Dreamcast and some other Sega systems that I could pick up, but while I was taking the tour, the evil Microsoft troops commanded by Ms. Gate’s invaded the building.

Ms. Gates recognized me from the deli and sent her Samurai guards on me. I was no match for them, and they threw me out the window.

I regained awareness shortly after in the town’s inn, as defeated adventurers typically do. The girl who was by my side taking care of me told me that I fell from the building, which Microsoft had taken over.

On my way out, I met up with a dude named Brian. He was mad that Microsoft was trying to take over the Sega building, so he joined what became known as “my party”. We found a utility building that allowed us access to beneath the city, and we snuck into the captured Sega headquarters from below.

We made our way up the tower, freeing hostages and taking down grunt level Microsoft guards. We eventually came across the famous Jay and Silent Bob, who were hiding for cover in a cubicle.

For saving them, they rewarded us with a book called How to Throw a Molotov Cocktail. They said that they would have used it themselves, but they couldn't read.

Continuing up the tower, we came to the Swanky Penthouse containing the office of Sega’s worldwide president, a man in a sombrero and a colorful poncho known only as Sènior Sega.

Ms. Gates was holding Sènior Sega hostage, and having leveled up enough, me and Brian challenged her, but unfortunately she instead took to killing off Sènior Sega and summoning a boss robot on us. 

Using our newfound ability to throw molotov cocktails we made short work of said robot, and after collecting our EXP, we checked on Sènior Sega, who turned out to still be alive!

Unfortunately however, his pocket protector immediately started to leak, which somehow caused him to die for real this time. However, while searching the Sega executive’s body we discovered a key which lead to the roof of the Sega building.

Using the key, we advanced to the roof, and boarded the evil airship of the Microsoft corporation.

However, I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell how it's going to begin.

I'm going to hang up this rant, and then show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules or controls, borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible.

Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you, because its not about you or me, its about Wii, and together, Wii will change everything.

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